Underneath the dark night's sky,

I stood here alone.

As the wind blew,

I held my hands together.

    "Dear God, forgive me…"

    "I…"

Last of Diary

    "We'll finish up tomorrow. Is that alright by you, -san?"

I nodded and sent them off with a smile.

I placed the pen down and you were there.

A sign of tenderness found it's way to my face.

Closing the cover of the book, I walked hastily.

To you.

Walking into the outside world,

The world where you were,

I shielded my sight.

Though the light was blinding,

You were there.

I walked forward and your presence welcomed me.

I smiled,

Knowing you were there,

Waiting.

    "Hiroshi, you didn't have to wait for me."

    "That wouldn't have been gentleman-like."

As the wind blew,

We walked together.

Even with the blinding light,

I felt safe,

For you were there,

Beside me.

I was walking with you for a long time on this page
Alone I turn it, looking

I wondered if you could hear it.

The beating of a heart.

My heart.

I wondered if you could hear the beating of my heart,

As it is paced quickly.

We were so close,

But only in distance.

I wanted to just reach out,

And hold your hand.

But I stopped myself,

And silenced the voices inside.

Being that close,

Could you sense it?

My fondness for you.

As the wind blew,

I shuddered.

It wasn't the sudden breeze,

But my emotions,

Trying to set themselves free.

I felt a weight placed on my shoulders.

The feel of soft fibers on the fabric.

The smell of you still lingered.

    "You looked cold."

    "Thank you."

Why must you be so nice?

I knew you were just being proper.

However,

I wanted to forget that for just a while,

To push the thoughts away,

And have them blown away with the wind that blew.

Because I follow what's in my heart
And listen to the heartbeat of love
I close my eyes and feel it, looking

As we walked together,

With the wind that blew,

You looked ahead.

I tried and looked ahead,

But all I thought about was my future.

Our future,

Together.

As the leaves fell,

They danced.

I closed my eyes,

And felt my heart dancing,

With the silent melody of love.

    "Ne, Hiroshi, let's take some pictures!"

You nodded.

You still had that solemn demeanor.

But I knew,

You were smiling inside.

I must return that secret smile with a smile of my own,

Hoping to warm your heart.

Our time is limited.

But emotions are everlasting.

We must spend these moments together,

With the emotions that flow.

As the wind blew,

We stood there,

As the wind softly tickled our faces.

I laughed softly,

Showing my happiness.

Even if you weren't laughing,

I still smiled,

Knowing you were there.

I ponder within my memories
And laugh with you innocently
Together for just a moment

Flipping through these photographs,

I smiled.

Being close to you,

It made me happy.

But, it made my heart ache.

These feelings of mine,

I slowly pushed them aside.

We could never be together.

I held my chest,

Hoping to loosen the pain.

It only brought heartache.

I felt blessed.

You were there.

But it hurt.

I must learn to let go of these feelings of mine.

As long as you were there,

It didn't matter.

Underneath the dark night's sky,

I stood here alone.

As the wind blew,

I held my hands together.

    "Please…"

    "Please, God…"

    "Please let Hiroshi…"

    "Always be with me,"

    "Forever and ever."

Softly I remember it, looking
I'm nowhere near getting rid of these feelings

Was I needy?

I guess I was just weak.

With one glance from you,

My heart raced uncontrollably.

When you were not there,

I felt so incomplete.

You had always been there.

I just didn't want to be lonely.

I was selfish.

I never asked if you wanted to be near me.

Whenever I called,

You would always come.

I was sure it was just an obligation,

But I didn't want to believe that.

I knew this charade couldn't continue like this.

But for those moments,

I wanted to ignore the voices telling me 'no',

And just be close to you.

Even now I'm right here calling for you
It's not getting any better in this place
if you're not next door to me
I wake up my heart so I can fulfill it

    'I'm sorry…'

That was all I could say.

I had betrayed the Lord.

Was it evil to fall in love?

Was it wrong to love someone?

Was it sinful to have feelings for him?

I knew it wouldn't work out.

But, I still pushed those thoughts aside.

I was betraying God and others.

Even if this was wrong,

I didn't want it any other way.

As long as he was always there with me,

I would continue living.

    "Please…"

    "Let Hiroshi be mine alone."

Even though I'm still stuck underneath the nightsky with just a single phrase
[I'm sorry]
It's still not enough

I wished you would smile to me like that.

The tenderness you radiated.

That smile that you smiled,

It was genuine.

You seemed so happy,

Being near them.

Your happiness enticed me.

What did I have to do to have received such a gift from you?

I would have given up anything,

For you to smile like that to me,

Like you did for them.

Anything.

All the things you told me about them,

You seemed to relax,

But not the same way you would for me.

Did you feel something for them?

The same feeling I had for you?

Slumped down and gasped for air.

It felt like my chest was being deprived of movement.

Losing my composure,

I ran,

Not wanting to look back.

    'He could never be mine alone.'

That day could have softly touched my scattering heart even now
If I protected it

I couldn't stop the feelings I had for you.

I tried so hard but I didn't want to let go.

The memories we had,

They would always be on the pages in my mind.

    "Hiroshi, I told you before, you don't have to wait for me."

It has been a routine.

No matter what,

I would always see you.

I kept thinking back,

And my heart ached.

Was it because I knew the truth?

I looked at you.

You were always somber.

You would never have told me.

This quietness you were known for,

It soothed me.

I reflected and smiled,

You were there with me.

I could continue living.

But,

Would it have soothed my sorrow-filled heart?

I can't change how I feel about the truth
even though I've done enough

No matter how much I cried,

The tears dried up.

No matter how much I tried to forget,

The hole in my heart still remained.

No matter how much I reminded myself,

I still loved you.

I was with you,

But not in the way I wanted.

I wanted more because of my selfishness.

But when I saw you with them,

Your smile would show.

Even if that smile wasn't for me,

I still wanted you to smile that smile of yours.

Smile for them,

Even if it isn't for me.

As long as you were smiling,

Inside or out,

I would be smiling with you.

But I may have been crying inside.

    "Are you ok?"

You asked me this.

Was I ok?

I didn't even know the answer myself.

    "Hiroshi, what do I do?"

    "Do what?"

    "What do I do if the person I love isn't someone I should be loving?"

    "Love is something that almost can't be controlled."

    "They may love someone else."

    "You will never know how they feel if you never ask."

You said those words to me.

Should I have taken your advice?

Would you hated me afterwards?

Why couldn't love be controlled?

    "Hiroshi…"

    "Hmm?"

    "I- Nevermind."

I didn't say anything.

    'No, not yet.'

My heart wasn't ready.

Do you remember it too?
I wonder, when I've calmed down, these thoughts will pass to you and the tears will flow?
The many colors of my heart repeats, reaching out to you even today
The words I found died away

I stood there,

Waiting.

For you.

I tried calming down my rapidly beating heart.

I couldn't believe I was going to do this.

How would you feel?

How would you react?

I just wanted to know the answer,

From you.

    "You're… waiting for me?"

    "Yes."

As the wind blew,

We walked together.

You seemed happy,

Talking about them.

I had to know.

My heart kept racing.

So, I finally asked.

    "Hiroshi…"

    "Hmm?"

I felt my heart rush.

Was I ready for this?

    "Hiroshi…"

I paused.

    "Do you… love him?"

I looked up.

That happiness you showed was gone.

You didn't say anything more and ran.

Ran quickly,

And away from me.

Underneath the dark night's sky,

I stood here alone.

As the wind blew,

I held my hands together.

    "Dear God, forgive me…"

    "I…"

My knees felt weak.

I held myself,

Hoping I wouldn't break.

    "I'm in love with my own brother."

I'll let these feelings holding me down fade away so that I can start to run freely [We went together]
I completely understood what it was like deep inside your heart
The pulse of your love rang out loudly
So I turn the last page and said farewell
Then closed it away with a key
As my heart has been swept away

Fin.
Lui
10. July. 2006

Note: Some lines from here were taken from Hot Gimmick vol.5 because I believe they applied well with the story.

A/N: This DN was written to 'Last of Diary' which was sung by SE7EN. It is currently my favourite song, so I decided to write my debut DN here at Just-Once for it. If you want the song, it can be downloaded here. Also, I think I may be stoned badly for this DN what with the incest and boy-love. Oh well, I had a good run.