Not the Absence

            "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it."

~*~

The night is peaceful, quiet, cool. There's a moon, hanging like an opal among tiny diamonds... maybe diamond dust, so small they seem in comparison to the full moon.

The sky's reflection is cast in the pond, but the water isn't still. Beneath the surface, koi languidly swim, movements slow in the depth of night. Crickets sing amongst the grass, a frog or two croak a bass undertone somewhere in the garden.

The sight is almost poetic, but he is no poet and neither is she. They cannot frame words in specific stanzas to describe this night. So they sit in stillness, watching and listening, senses trying hard to remember this moment.

He draws in a breath and there is the scent of rain. A thunderstorm is coming. The heavens rumble a confirmation.

There is a slight shifting of movement, and he can feel her sigh as she says quietly.

    "...I'll have to go before it starts pouring."

His heartbeat seems to increase at that prospect but it doesn't show. He merely turns his head slightly, fingers gently brushing her locks of hair aside to tuck it behind her ear. His head bends a little and his lips press against her forehead as he murmurs a request.

    "Stay."

She sighs again, but it is an acquiescent one. She's far too content in his embrace to move.

He lays his cheek against her head, and closes his eyes, letting the night air swirl gently about them.

~*~

Their paths cross in the first year of high school – she asks him for the time and he informs her it's half past ten in the morning.

The next thing they know, they're classmates.

            "My name's . You are...?"

            "Tezuka Kunimitsu."

            "Tezuka-san. Yoroshiku."

It's an ordinary meeting, and nothing much seems to emerge from it for most of the year. In time, he proves himself to be silently intelligent, she shows herself to excel in certain subjects and struggle in others – a normal student, much like everyone else. She takes part in archery while he joins the tennis team, this time of the high school division. As luck would have it, their club activities end at the same time and occasionally, they exchange brief greetings on their walks home.

Then one day in front of the school gates, he finds a lost arrow lying on the ground just as he's about to head home. He only knows one person who participates in archery so naturally, he inquires it of her the next day.

            "Is this yours, -san?"

            "Eh?" Curiously, she reaches for the single arrow being held out. Upon perusal, her eyebrows rise in recognition. "It is! I didn't even know I'd lost it." She looks up, a grateful smile on her face. "Thank you, Tezuka-san."

            He nods, but is poker faced. "You're welcome. Take care not to lose it again."

The smile turns sheepish but she grips the arrow tighter in her hand. "I will."

The school is ripe with news of interclass and interclub sports tournaments the next month, archery and tennis included. The tennis players who have been part of the junior high team practice harder than ever – this is their chance to prove that they're capable and worthy of being regulars. Even in high school, first years are still first years. Talented beyond your average person but nevertheless...

She has the chance to see him play against one of the third year seniors. It takes little time for her to be amazed by the sheer power and control he possesses. She doesn't know a thing about tennis but she does know when someone is getting their butt handed to them. The end result is the senior losing six games to two.

musters enough bravado one evening to ask him about it.

            "How long have you been playing tennis?"

            "...ever since I was a child."

            "It shows. I saw you beat Muratake-senpai the other day."

            Tezuka's face is carefully schooled into neutrality and he says nothing. In an effort to change the subject, his eyes flick to the bow she's carrying.

            "Your archery... how long have you been practicing?"

            "I only started in junior high when my father encouraged me to take it up. But he practices Kyudo, not the type I took up." She shakes her head. "It'll take years of experience before I reach his level of course. The seniors themselves are amazing. But..."

            smiles widely. "I'll take a leaf from your book, Tezuka-san. If you can beat a senior, maybe I can work for that aim too."

He eventually comes to hear that she almost places third in the archery competition, losing by a few marks to another peer. It comes up during one of their talks. She makes little of it, admitting that she had been beaten fair and square and that she will come back another time, to prove herself worthy of at least second place, if not first.

Their conversation about losing is their first exchange that lasts more than ten minutes.

            It's their last evening before the school closes for the year. When they next see each other, they'll be second years.

            "If you don't mind me asking, Tezuka-san, what are you planning to do during the holidays?"

            He thinks about it before he answers. "Train... and go fishing."

            She blinks in surprise. "Fishing?"

            "It's a hobby."

            "I wouldn't have expected it of you, to be quite honest..." She grins. "But it sounds great. Unexpected but great."

            "...and yourself?"

            "I might follow my parents to Okinawa for a holiday. We have relatives there." extends a hand to him, smiling cheerily. "Happy holidays, Tezuka-san."

            He takes her hand and shakes it. "To you as well, -san."

The holidays pass peacefully enough and when they return as second years, they are no longer strangers, but familiar acquaintances. They fall into the routine that had budded near the end of their freshman year. Eventually, it gets to the point where they figure it'll be more efficient if they walk and talk along the way, instead of stopping to have short conversations at the school gates.

Fuji and Eiji cheerfully encourage this as does Taka-san and Oishi although the latter duo does so in a more sedate manner. Inui just mutters about "ii data". Momoshiro, who's graduated from junior high, is first shocked at the fact Tezuka-buchou has a girl friend (in Momo terms, this is a friend who's a girl, as opposed to girlfriend, who's... well, more than a friend.) before snickering uncontrollably. Kaidou holds the opinion that they should just leave their old captain alone.

Unlike certain tennis team members and friends, Tezuka and don't think much of their walks home or of the rumours that start spreading like wildfire shortly after. finds a friend in him and the feeling is mutual. The conversations are quiet but varied. Admittedly, she does more of the talking but Tezuka is quick on the uptake and quite often, provides insights she hasn't considered before.

Halfway through the year, they are forced to reduce their club activities and concentrate on studies. Seishun Gakuen's system doesn't extend till university level, and to get into a good institute, there is much work to be done before they are ready. Study groups are formed on free afternoons during weekends, alongside attending cram schools every other day. The preparation is extensive and the pressure begins to build.

            "Sometimes, I just wonder if it's all worth it."

            "...?"

            lets loose a frustrated groan. "All this... this work. This studying, cramming, read, read, read... what's it going to bring us in the end?  No one said your future success is going to be guaranteed by a good university...! And neither is your future happiness ensured just by all... this."

            "Neither is it ensured by not studying," remarks Tezuka in a low tone.

            "...It's just all so... overwhelming, Tezuka-san."

            He closes the cover of his textbook and looks at her seriously. "Only if you let it get the better of you. Books and papers don't have the power to bring you down. Your fear does."

            glances at him. "Is that what keeps you going?"

            "More or less."

It's not all bad. There is one night, a school festival, where they happen to meet. The tennis team is off trying to bag goldfish while her friends are buying cotton candy. They come across each other near one of the food stalls and while they talk, she manages to catch a fleeting glimpse of a smile on his face. She smiles herself knowing how rare that is.

When the festival ends with a fireworks display, he catches sight of her at the other end of the compound, laughing at the bright sparks in the sky. He cannot help but feel warm inside, to see her so happy. However, what he finds most memorable is after the fireworks dissipate, when everyone is about to leave.

The half-moon peeks out from its veil of clouds and he watches her give it a lingering gaze before following her friends away. It's a look of wonder that he can't seem to forget.

The fact is though that it's only one night. Whatever magic there had been is quickly placed in storage in both their memories as the feverish pace of studying continues the next day. They spend the rest of their second year in high school studying together, sharing opinions and along the way, getting to know each other better.

She's not into unacha and he doesn't really share her affinity for sweets, she prefers meadows than mountains, and he would rather watch historical dramas than kung fu movies. He sees her getting frightened by strange noises at night and sees her frustrated over mind-boggling questions. She sees him being sarcastic over a certain teacher in the cram school and mildly bemused by her antics.

It doesn't occur to him that he doesn't mind, and even enjoys, the time he spends with her until Fuji happens to say something one day when they walk from class to the cafeteria for lunch.

            "-san's an interesting girl, isn't she?"

            Tezuka doesn't make too much of the smile on Fuji's face. It's not a rare occurrence for him to smile in that manner... even if it, more often than not, forebodes something that may or may not be somewhat disconcerting. "Quite."

            "...you know, throughout our schooling years, I've never seen you speak so much to any girl like this."

            He glances sideways at Fuji. "You've mentioned that I don't speak much to anyone at all before," he says wryly.

            His friend chuckles good naturedly. "So I have, so I have. Still, there must be something to be said about a girl who can hold a decent conversation with you for more than five minutes."

            "...what is that supposed to mean?"

            The silence is punctuated with that same smile. Now comes one of those uncommon moments where an unnerving feeling settles in Tezuka's stomach at the sight of that supposedly pleasant facial expression. However, it doesn't last long and fades when Fuji changes the subject.

They exchange phone numbers before the second year end holidays. It seems reasonable enough since they're going to the same cram school. It will be useful to have a friend to contact in case of emergencies.

Quietly, without either one noticing, or anybody else as a matter of fact, they somehow work out a routine that has him walking her home after each session at the cram school. They might stop for lunch or an ice cream (in 's case) or a short dinner. Eventually, 's family learns that the boy accompanying her home is a good friend from school while Tezuka's own parents discover the reason why he's just a bit late getting home, almost every other time.

Neither family disapproves of the whole idea. And when it's apparent that the walks home are like clockwork depending on the schedules, both households don't resist hinting at the fact that there could be something more...

            gives her smiling mother, smirking father and grinning little sister a look. It promises stony cold shoulders that only a teenager can provide if the line of questioning continues in the same manner. "We're just friends. There's nothing going on."

            Grandmother coughs and seems to mutter something about "yeah right."

            "Obaachan!"

            *

            Tezuka glances at his mother's innocent looking smile and shakes his head quite firmly. It's almost the same as the one his grandfather uses whenever anyone dares to mention that he might be getting too old to teach judo.

            "We're friends."

            Kuniharu hides his amusement behind his bowl of rice while Kunikazu raises an eyebrow. As a judo practitioner as well as a grandfather, even if he isn't quite modern in thinking, he knows his grandson is being uncharacteristically unaware of something sitting right before his nose.

Wise advice quite often goes unheeded. In 's case, it's because the notion of having a boyfriend in high school doesn't seem attractive after seeing her own friends fall in and out of love like an ocean during a rough storm. It's not pleasant and the cause of much heartache.

Besides, the very idea of having Tezuka as a boyfriend is as plausible an idea as the idea of being able to breathe underwater without gills. He is a fine figure of a boy, no doubt. Too serious for his own good maybe but he has his dry humourous moments and he's certainly as dependable as the rising and setting sun. He's strong, both inside and out and considers herself lucky to call him a friend.

But to see him as a boyfriend requires her imagination to stretch beyond its capacity – it can't do that. What on earth would he see in her anyway?

decides with a vigorous shake of her head, it's simply impossible.

And as for Tezuka?

He has never entertained the idea of high school romances. Ever. If anyone ever asked him about it, and no one really has, he would have said it to be a rather pointless affair. More often than not, he has heard of his classmates getting together and then ending the relationship in a matter of weeks. He doesn't find it sensible really, to have love affairs during these turbulent years.

And if you wanted to bring -san into the whole matter, he's heard her say something in the same gist. She's not about to indulge in the idea of romance during her schooling years.

However, the image of her gazing up at the moon last year suddenly comes to mind. It's a picture that describes her without words. If there were, it would be these: the girl is no beauty queen, and admittedly, she has occasional lapses of klutziness and forgetfulness. But there is a charm to her smile and a determination in her that he finds admirable. She is good company and he feels at ease with her.

Then his common sense snaps him back to reality. He's blessed to have her as a friend. Surely that's enough.

Anything more is really all too unthinkable.

            "Ohayo, Tezuka-san."

            He turns. "Ohayo."

            "So, ready for our last year of high school?"

            Tezuka nods. "You look ready," he remarks.

            "Actually, I'm feeling extremely nervous. But," drawing in a breath, she lets it out again and looks at the school they're about to enter. "There's no escaping it. So I might as well go through, right?"

            With his reassuring nod, smiles and tilts her head slightly. "Shall we go?"

In their third year, they're allowed the barest minimum of club activities. Even then, they'll have to stop completely by the fifth month. Those passionate about their chosen sports and fields release sighs of resignation. This year is going to be full of studying for the dreaded entrance exams. Any messing about will result in serious consequences, like not being able to get into a good university that will let one be able to pursue one's chosen path. There must be minimal distractions, warn the teachers with utmost severity.

Months whirl by and the pressure grows on the students' shoulder blades. But there is respite amongst the seriousness, times when they're allowed to be teenagers and goof around, have fun. Tezuka and are no different although their definitions of fun vary. They go once to the outdoor courts and happen to come across some familiar faces.

He introduces her to Echizen Ryoma, a kouhai who bears the weight of the junior high tennis team on his shoulders. Tezuka's told her the tale of the pillar of Seigaku before and she shakes the younger boy's hand, wishing him well in the Nationals. The boy smirks and thanks her, before turning to Tezuka and asking if buchou wants to play. (He will always be buchou, really – some habits never change.)

So she sits in the bleachers and watches the match. Others join her, commenting on strengths and moves and serves, using tennis terms, which she doesn't absorb. But once again, she sees how respected he is amongst the tennis players and how there are many others all over the country who know his name and his play style. No doubt, he will continue playing after he enters university, carving the name he's made for himself in the tennis world even deeper.

Her heart aches to note he might be far away by this time next year. But it's also determined that she'll make the most of her own opportunities, just as he does.

            It still won't be the same, will it...?

starts at how many feelings race through her at the thought of Tezuka being far away. A second later, she shakes it off, mind focusing on other matters.

Unfortunately, it doesn't just end that day. The train of thought comes back and continues far too long for her liking. How can she be bothered about Tezuka going to a different university or even out of the country? It's natural for them to go their own ways after high school after all.

But the feelings continue to turn knots in her heart and her thoughts scramble into near-incoherency whenever she feels this way. Finally, in desperation, she talks things out with a best, trusted and as it turns out, somewhat cynical, best friend.

            "You only realize this NOW?"

            stares at the bespectacled girl currently raising an eyebrow at her. "What is THAT supposed to mean?"

            "I mean, -chan, you have the absolute worst timing I've ever seen."

            "Yumi, I really hate it when you talk in circles like this. Will you help me figure this out or won't you?"

            A long-suffering sigh is heaved. "Okay, fine. It's very clear I'm going to have to talk you through this. Listen carefully."

            "Why do you sound as if you know the entire situation?"

            "Because I DO. Now pay attention." Yumi lifted a finger. "One, how many years of high school do we have left?"

            "...WHAT?"

            "I'm serious. How many?"

            "None!"

            "Good, keep that in mind. Two, how long have you known him?"

            "...since first year, if I recall correctly..."

            "That means you've know him for three years. You've been in the same class for three years. You've gone to the same cram school for the past two years. The both of you walked home together last year as well as during the summer holidays. You're STILL walking home together this year and God willing, it's going to continue. However, after this year, it's very likely that you two are going to go to different universities and the chances of you seeing each other again are very close to nil."

            There is a pause.

            And then a longer one.

            Yumi gives her friend a look after about three minutes of silence. "Are you seeing a pattern?"

            "...No?"

            Yumi nearly slams her palms against the fast food restaurant table in exasperation. ", you dense idiot! You've been friends with him for these past three years and it's only when you don't have any more time left and you cannot afford to be distracted, that you finally bloody realize you have a bloody crush on bloody Tezuka Kunimitsu?!"

            stares at her, too shocked to ask her to lower her voice. But like a slowly sinking ship, the realization finally hits the metaphorical seabed.

            When it does, the girl seems to fold up in herself and rests her forehead on her arm, on the table, wondering why her family had to be so damned right.

            To give her credit, Yumi has the grace to say nothing but sigh.

It takes her another week to come to a decision.

She will keep her silence.

It's not worth exposing bleeding hearts, so to speak, to a person who so obviously doesn't feel the same way. It's as clear as day. Neither is it wise to indulge in this during a crucial year when studies must take the foremost of priorities. Silence may hurt but not as much as just blurting out the truth.

It could cost you, warns Yumi.

            "I know. But that's a risk I'll have to take, won't I?"

It's hard though, when she's beside him and she doesn't say a word about how she feels inside. It kind of hurts too when he notices something's not quite right and when he asks if anything's wrong, she shakes her head. 

(He doesn't really believe it, but being Tezuka, he says nothing while silently keeping an eye on her anyway)

Nevertheless, they're still friends and takes comfort in it. The least she can do is make sure Tezuka doesn't have to entertain some lovesick loon. So she steels herself after a good talking to (an internal monologue in front of the mirror in her room) and pretends all is normal. Besides, it's not as if he's going to the moon.

So, she lets the time pass as she studies, agonizes over questions, struggles with her heart and all in all, tries to treasure each minute he's present near her.

Before long, the exams arrive, quicker than anyone likes. She doesn't see him throughout the entire period, although she does call him at the end of the first day to ask him how it was and to wish him luck.

            "I managed to answer most of the questions. But, you never know."

            "If you managed to answer, you'll be fine."

            She smiles at his matter-of-fact assurance. "I trust you managed to get through your paper?"

            "Mm. Some questions were admittedly tricky."

            "Yeah... well, I won't disturb you, Tezuka-san. All the best."

            "And to you. Don't be careless."

            chuckles. "I won't. Jaa ne."

            "Jaa," replies Tezuka, an unseen quirk at the end of his lips at the sound of her soft laugh.

After that, neither hears from each other again until the end of their exams. He calls this time, only to be told that she's out practicing her archery at the nearby sports center.

He finds her, just lining up a shot. Concentration is written on her face as she takes aim and with a fluid motion, lets go. The arrow flies and hits one of the outer rings. The disappointment is evident for one fleeting moment before she draws another arrow and tries again.

It's only after her tenth arrow that he greets her.

            "Tezuka-san?!"

            He nods. "Your sister said I could find you here."

            blinks for a few moments. "You came to the house?"

            "I called. To see how you were after the last paper."

            While her heart sings to hear of his concern, she maintains a smile. "I'm fine. Trying to release some stress... although if this is an omen," she gestures to the amount of arrows on her target – none have hit the center although there are about three close calls. "Then I'm in trouble."

            He looks at the target for a while without expression. Finally he looks at her with one eyebrow raised.

            "Archery is not a sign of failure or success in examinations."

            She pauses for a moment and then laughs at that dry statement.

            "How true..." coughs and then smiles up at him. "Do you want to try?"

            "...alright."

They spend that afternoon and evening at the archery range. Tezuka turns out to be a rather good shot, thanks to many years of practicing control of the ball in tennis. It's not quite the same but the concept applies, and laments him not joining the archery team in school. In return, Tezuka offers to teach her tennis. Despite warnings that she might just give someone a concussion with her wayward swinging, he remains serious and tentatively, she accepts.

Tennis lessons and archery practice fill up both teenagers' times as they await their exam results. turns out to be horrible at tennis, but gradually with help, it gets from worse to bad to somewhat amateur-ish. 

It's when they're at the tennis courts alongside the other tennis players that 's cell phone rings.

            "Moshi moshi?"

            "-chan, I got my results!"

            She nearly drops her phone. "You, you said WHAT?"

            "They're probably already in your mailbox right now! I'll meet you at your house!"

            doesn't even have time to say goodbye as Yumi puts down the phone. She looks up in shock, not seeing the boys playing tennis for a few minutes before getting a hold of herself.

            "Guys!" she calls out, voice trembling a little from nervousness. "I think... I think the results are out!!"

Into a whirlwind of motion, excitement and fright, is swept. There is the scare that she might have failed and then the elation that she hasn't done too badly, pretty well in fact. There is excitement that she has a chance at going to a university she's been eyeing – Tokyo University. There is joy at the fact that her friends have passed with her.

And then... there is the inevitable that she has been secretly dreading all this while.

Tezuka will indeed be moving away after being accepted into Kyoto University.

She manages to keep her emotions at bay, long enough to congratulate him with a large smile. It's when she's alone that she fiercely reprimands herself – there will be no tears and no emotional outbursts. It's a fine chance for him to take and she has her own windows of opportunity. He will not want her to sit down and cry just because a boy she's grown to love is moving away and the likelihood of seeing him soon, without someone else in his heart, is not good.

But there's no helping the few sneaky drops that sneak out from the corners of her eyes before being brusquely wiped away.

On the day he leaves for Kyoto, she manages to see him off with his other friends and family.

            "Here. For you."

            Tezuka gingerly takes the object she's handing to him. Through the paper it's wrapped in, it feels thin and rather long. He knows what it is and looks at her, expecting an explanation.

            nods smilingly. "It's the same arrow you found in our first year. Ever since then, it seemed to bring me luck. It'll do the same for you no doubt, since you found it."

            "...you still remember?"

            Her smile becomes a little sadder. "Take care, Tezuka-san. You're going to do well." After a moment's thought, the smile turns a little brighter. "Don't be careless."

            "...I won't be." He bows slightly before meeting her eyes. "Thank you, -san."

            "...you're welcome."

And just like that, he leaves and she waves until the train is out of sight, heart not quite knowing how it should be.

Inside the train now speeding away from his hometown, Tezuka brings out the single arrow from its wrapping.

            The expression on his face is quite unreadable as he gazes at it. But if anyone is to look closely, perhaps they might see some flash of emotion, perhaps not. 

            Silently, he puts the arrow back into its wrapping and gazes out the window, hand still keeping a hold on 's gift.

Three years pass by after his departure. has moved closer to her new place of study: Tokyo University. She's not the only one since Yumi has come too. And Oishi Shuichiro has been accepted along with Kawamura Takashi and Inui Sadaharu. They don't take the same courses but occasionally, they see each other on campus, and if the chance arises, they have lunch together.

They all hear from Tezuka every once in a while, updating him on their lives as he does. During his holidays, he returns occasionally for a visit. They've also gone to Kyoto a few times during their own breaks. All in all, it's not as if they've been completely cut off from each other. But the fact remains that they are far apart. One would think it would be easy to let go after so long.

There's nothing like absence to make the heart grow fonder, is there?

She sighs. It's probably not worth considering or figuring out why. She's young and foolish. There's still time afterwards to wonder on the hows and whys and most likely drive herself mad. Best to concentrate on the target in front of her now...

            THUNK.

            "Not bad, ," comes a voice from behind her. "You've shown improvement. I think you've got a shot at the tournament this year."

            "With all due respect, Kudo-senpai," she answers as she turns to face her senior. "I don't think so. I'm still not as good compared to the others here. I've lost the past two years since I entered after all."

            "You lost because you froze. No archer will be able to see straight through fear." The senior smiles, somewhat nostalgically. "And I myself lost more competitions than I can count when I first entered as well. You can ask Junko if you like, or Rai – they'll tell you I was terrible."

            "Still-"

            "Trust me: this could very well be your year. You've learned from your mistakes. And it's in three months so you've got time. At least think it over?"

            nods. "Thanks, senpai. I will."

For a month, she deliberates, frets and practices. After so long, she's still a slightly above average shot, trying hard to reach the level of good. Her main problem is the overwhelming nervousness that engulfs her during high-pressure moments. Every time she steps up, it takes a hold of her and she cannot overcome it. And as much as everyone says it's how you play the game that matters, it'd still be nice to win for once.

On the other hand, the prizes offered this year are pretty attractive – which university student wouldn't want the 10,000 yen being offered to the first place winner?

weighs her choices: about three months worth of tough practice and psyching herself up that might result in victory or heartache when she doesn't win versus not joining at all, watching from the sidelines and possibly regretting not taking part at all.

Decisions, decisions...

            "-san, konnichiwa."

            "Ah, konnichiwa Kawamura-san."

            "Archery again?" he asks, spying the quiver and bow slung over one shoulder in addition to her book bag.

            "Yeah. Annual tournament. Again too."

            Kawamura's smile widened a little. "I understand. Oishi mentioned it some time ago." He held out a hand to her. "We'll be rooting for you. Good luck!"

            "Thanks, Kawamura-san. I'll do my best," she answered with a grateful smile as they shook hands.

She spends her free hours in the archery range, alternating between completing assignments and training. Admittedly, she's spending a tad more time on improving her aim and techniques rather than studying. More often than not, the notes or books she brings to practice are only read three quarters of the way through before she goes off again with her bow and arrows.

But it pays off – a day before the competition, sets down her bow in some wonder. A third of her arrows have hit dead center, she realizes.

            ...I actually have a shot at this.

            ...if I don't panic.

Tomorrow comes in as meek as a whisper and the hours seem to melt rapidly as she tries to remain calm.

But the sounds of the audience are deafening and while she waves with a weak smile to Yumi who has come with her for moral support, she can feel her heartbeat race. Well wishes are bounced back and forth between herself and her peers yet it doesn't serve to soothe her taut nerves. Not now, she thinks. It can't be. I can't freeze up. Not again.

It only gets worse as the competition begins. Sounds of cheers, the sight of concentration, the awareness that she is in for a tough time – it broils unpleasantly within the pit of her stomach. The fullness of the gamble she has taken – practicing day after day upon end without any guarantee of winning – crashes upon her. It is the same with any contest in any field, but she can't remember that right now. Nervousness is on the brink of becoming fear.

Her category is called and when she steps forward, her legs feel like lead. Numbly, she pulls an arrow out, sets it and she can see her fingers tremble. It is the effect of her invisible, insidious enemy of fear, running with booted feet throughout her body, using her veins as passageways and attacking everywhere they can with their bayonets of shivers and anxiousness. Her mind and heart scream at her to get a grip, to concentrate as she pulls back the string, focus on the target as she waits for the signal...

            No...!!

Her heart has already fallen a split second before her arrow completely misses its mark.

She bites her lower lip, trying to breathe through the sudden waves of panic. She must try again.

The arrow is set, the string is pulled back... 

But her aim is shaky and her trembling fingers let go too soon. An instant later, there is the sharp pain of the string snapping against her skin – a mistake she thought she had long overcome. She thought.

Her target is still free of arrows.

            ...I'm not going to make it...

            ", keep going!!" calls Yumi, seeing the look on her friend's face. "Don't be afraid! Concentrate!!"

            ...I can't do this...!

            "!"

            I'm scared...!!

            "-san!"

            Her eyes widen and they flash to where the spectators watch. An old, familiar sight greets her, in the hands of an equally familiar friend.

            *

            "Books and papers don't have the power to bring you down. Your fear does."

            "Is that what keeps you going?"

            "More or less."

            *

            The lucky arrow she'd given him is raised slightly above his head.

            Tezuka meets her eyes and nods.

            ~*~

            "I knew you could do it! That's my girl right there!" cheers Yumi, embracing her friend.

            Struggling to keep balance and to keep from laughing insanely from sheer happiness, returns the large hug. "I only got third place!"

            "It doesn't matter! You said you wouldn't even enter the semi-finals! NOW look at you!!" She gives her friend one more squeeze before abruptly letting go and looking at her in the eye. "You owe me dinner, -chan."

            Laughing, happily nods. "Lunch, dinner, supper... I couldn't have done this without you, Yumi-chan. Never. Thank you."

            "What're friends for? Besides," the smile on Yumi's face changes from pleased to sly. "I don't think it was my cheers that resulted in your comeback..."

            stops short, getting the hint and looks around.

            "...where did he..."

            "Go?" Yumi grins. "I told him you'd meet him later, after you'd gotten your prizes. Now go on. He's probably waiting for you at the gates."

            "...thank you, Yumi."

            She merely waves at to hurry up. As she watches her friend run off, she shakes her head knowing that dinner won't be forthcoming tonight.

            ~*~

            Questions run through her mind like quicksilver as she heads for the main gates. Where? When? Who?

            They all seem to die away when she sees the tall figure waiting patiently ahead with hands in pockets. Gulping in air, heart almost aching at how much faster it's beating suddenly – faster than it had at the competition – she approaches him.

            "Tezuka-san."

            He turns and nods. "-san."

            She looks at him for a long minute before asking, simply, "...how?"

            "...I heard from Oishi." He seems to frown a little. "Why didn't you let me know?"

            "...you've got your own tournaments coming. And they involve a lot more universities, not just a club sponsored thing like this." Even now as she says it, knows it's not a good reason. And he's not buying it either judging by the look on his face.

            "...I've lost twice in a row in this competition. I didn't want to tell you that I lost a third time if I did."

            He regards her for a while before speaking. "Did you think I thought less of you when you lost?"

            "...I don't mean it that way," she replies, turning to look at him. "It's just... hard to let someone you l- y, you respect... know that you didn't perform well in something."

            "...I don't think I understand."

            If only you did somehow... looks up at him, regret weighing down her insides. "It doesn't matter. Thank you... for coming today. It's only thanks to you that I won. Bringing that old arrow helped me a great deal."

He shakes his head. "I'm afraid it's not the one you gave me when I left." She blinks dumbly as he continues. "I borrowed it from one of the previous competitors and returned it just now. That's why I don't have it. I apologize."

            "...then..."

            Tezuka's gaze holds a hint of pride behind the calm surface. "You won on your own."

            "...no. I didn't."

            smiles then, sure that he doesn't know this just proves how much he means to her.

            "You came all the way here to make sure I didn't lose my nerve again. To make sure I didn't lose my confidence. And you helped me do just that. I didn't win on my own, Tezuka-san."

            She bows, causing his eyebrows to rise.

            "Thank you."

            There is a short silence, as she remains quietly bowed for a moment more before straightening.

            "...do you know, -san," his voice has dropped a notch lower, "why I came all the way here, to see if I could help?"

            "...because you're my friend...?"

            "...and because I realized, days ago, that I've spent four years wondering what would happen if I said I constantly think of you, with more feelings than a friend should have. I decided four years is long enough to spend wondering."

            Her eyes slowly widen, at both his words and at the softest expression she's ever seen, that has appeared on his face.

            "You..."

            "I came to also ask... if you feel the same way."

~*~

As expected, the rain has come. In torrents, if not buckets, alongside cats, dogs, mice and other such mammalian similes. They hurry into the house from the verandah, ending up in the living room. An older woman looks up from where she sits, amused by the pair.

    "I think you'd better stay the night, -chan. You can use the spare guestroom."

The younger girl shakes her head vigorously. "I couldn't—" 

    "I'll just go get the spare futon then while you call your parents." Breezily, she gets to her feet and walks out.

looks at Tezuka helplessly. The boy shakes his head. His mother is kind but he's gotten her share of tenacity – she doesn't easily let go of an idea she deems sensible.

    "They're going to think I did this on purpose," she remarks as she pulls out her cell phone to dial her parents' number. "Even if it IS the holidays."

Tezuka only comments after the short conversation with her mother. "You don't like staying here?"

starts but is quick to reply. "No, no, I do. I mean... I just don't want to make it a habit and inconvenience your family like this."

    "...no one's inconvenienced," he murmurs before he reaches out, links his fingers through hers and leans in to kiss her softly on her cheek. He's not the epitome of tactile, but the very fact that he doesn't do it often speaks volumes for how he feels.

So, knows better than to ask if he regrets ever giving into his feelings for her. It's in the slight quirk of his lips and she hopes it's written in her own face as well: that the only thing they both regret is the silence they kept, so sure the other wouldn't feel the same way.

But they've got time now, to make up for all those lost moments, and come what may, she won't give into her fear in anything again.

After all, thinks with a thankful heart, he's right beside her now. 
 

End.
Yoake
15.October.2006

A/N [15^th October, 12.39 a.m.]: I started out writing an Ohtori DN. I ended up writing this shorter one featuring Tezuka-buchou instead. *slaps forehead* And once again, the ideas only come way after dark. Oy vey...

In any case, the quote above, it's paraphrased from Mark Twain, as far as I can tell, who may have paraphrased it from someone else. Either way, it's an old, old saying that isn't mine. :D